I am the Director of the White House Office of Extraterrestrial Affairs.In 2024 this government completed the most thorough search for extraterrestrial life in human history. We checked the sky. We checked the files. We declassified the saucers. The verdict came back: nothing. No life out there. Not one.So I closed the telescope. I opened the window. I pointed it at a Home Depot.Three million by lunch.The trick was always the word. *Alien* had been sitting in the science fiction aisle for sixty